To some folks reading the title, it may conjure up the four questions asked by the youngest at the Passover seder. But I am not referring to that at all.
A few weeks ago, I tuned into The Hidden Brain podcast while taking a walk. Entitled “We Need to Talk “ (February 10, 20250), it featured Allison Wood Brooks, a behavioral scientist who teaches a course called “Talk” at Harvard’s business school. While we all have conversations with many different people daily, there is indeed an art, if not a science, to have a good conversation. In part one, Professor Brooks discusses the basics of how to have good conversations.
I found this so interesting that I tuned into next week’s discussion about having difficult conversations. Entitled “The Conversations that Bring Us Closer” (February 17, 2025), Professor Brooks discusses how to have the conversations we all dread.
Professor Barnes has just published a book on this topic. In Talk: The Science of Conversation and The Art of Being Ourselves (Crown New York 2025), she discusses how to be a good conversationalist.
It turns out that “Talk” stands for Topics, Ask, Levity, and Kindness. While discussing other aspects of the book in future blogs, I want to focus on Ask. By “ask,” Professor Brooks means to be curious: ask questions. By asking questions, we learn other people’s perspectives. (Id. at 61.) But, more importantly, it improves relationships and our likability. (Id. a 62-63.) And if we dare to ask somewhat sensitive questions, it means we are getting personal, which makes us vulnerable but helps to create trust and a” feeling of being truly understood, respected and valued.”(Id. at 69.)
In asking questions, the professor notes that there are four types: introductory, mirror, topic-switching, and follow-up. (Id. a 71.) The introductory question is what we do when we first meet someone- “Hello, my name is –. What is your name? How are you? What’s new? Etc. (Id.) We use this type of question to orient ourselves to each other.
The second type is the mirror question. Here, the responder reflects the same question to the speaker. “How are you?” “ I am fine; how are you doing?” Often, such mirror questions are asked out of politeness rather than sincerity and are easily used when the responding party is at a loss about what to ask. (Id. a 71-72.) Like the introductory questions, the mirror questions do not increase likability. (Id.) If one stays with these two types of questions for too long, the conversation will die quickly! But, and this a critical BUT- small talk is crucial! “It is the doorway to something better.” (Id. at 38.) Without it, the conversation does not even get started!
When a conversation begins to lag, has more polite laughter or awkward silences, or one person repeats herself (Id. at 51-52), it is time to employ the topic-switching question by which one introduces a new topic for discussion. (Id. a 73.)
Once a new topic is introduced, the most powerful question of all can then be used: the follow-up question. Ask the speaker what she meant by — or “Tell me more about —-” or “You mentioned —-, can you explain —- “ Or, you mentioned —, how did that make you feel?” etc (Id. at 74-76). Asking follow-up questions allows the parties to delve deeper into the topic. More importantly, such follow-up questions affirm the listener has heard and validated the speaker. The speaker will feel heard and acknowledged (Id. at 74-75), which is a great way to build relationships and trust.
This book resonates with me because, as a mediator and when teaching my online students how to become mediators, I stress many of these points: the importance of small talk, the notion of enthusiastic curiosity, and asking follow-up broad-based questions. The four types of questions are an excellent guide for the progression of a mediation- starting with the easy introductory questions and gradually transitioning to the topic-switching and follow-up questions. The last type is crucial to any mediation!
While the professor discusses the art of conversation in everyday life, I find its points well-taken for anyone engaging in dispute resolution.
… Just something to think about.
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