Last year, I attended a memorial service online. The service meant a lot to me. The telephone rang, and rather than letting it ring and go to voicemail, I picked up and very quickly said I was attending the service and said goodbye.

Even though the caller (“Jane”) was aware of the importance of the memorial service, she was offended by my abruptness over the telephone. Rather than reflecting on the matter with understanding and perhaps looking at it from my perspective, or even calling me later to discuss my abruptness, “Jane”  decided to complain to my husband about my actions. Evidently,  Jane unloaded,  calling me many nasty things during that call. My husband listened, then hung up, and has refused to speak to Jane since then.  Not leaving it there and certainly not calling me directly to clear the air, Jane has now had a another person call my husband, wanting to know why he will not speak to Jane (even though we suspect the person knows why.)   (I guess it does not dawn on them that one does not attack a person’s spouse and expect the spouse to agree with the attacker.)   As my husband was in the middle of something, the conversation quickly terminated and has not resumed.

All of this reminded me of a book I read several years ago: Difficult Conversations [How To Discuss What Matters Most] by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen (Second edition, Penguin Books, New York, 2010). It provides great advice on how to handle situations such as the one described above.

By “difficult conversation,” the authors refer to all those conversations we dread having or find difficult to bring up and discuss. They are those conversations that bring on awkwardness, dread, or discomfort, ones in which we feel vulnerable, or ones that raise issues relating to our self-esteem (Id. at xxvii).

In any “difficult conversation,” we are having three conversations. The first is the “what happened” conversation in which, as the name implies, we try to figure out who is “right” and who is “wrong” and where the blame should be placed. Why did the mistake happen, and who is at fault? (Id. at 7.)

The second is the “feelings” conversation, which, again, as the name implies, involves our feelings. Are our feelings valid? Appropriate? Am I the crazy one, or is the other person crazy? Should I feel angry? Hurt? Frustrated, et cetera? (Id. at 7-8.)

The third is the “identity” conversation, which is the one we have with the little person inside our heads about our self-image, competency, being good vs. bad, self-esteem, future, or well-being. (Id. at 8.)

So, how do we successfully navigate these three conversations, and thus the “difficult conversation”? The key is active listening, looking at the situation as an outsider, and finding positive ways to move forward.

In the first conversation, the “what happened” conversation, rather than assume that you are right and the other person is wrong, ask questions and be curious. Rather than assuming that you know what the other person is thinking or why she did or failed to do something, ask questions non-judgmentally. Recognize that everyone sees the world differently and that there often is no “right” or “wrong” way or one way to do something. Be curious and actively listen to what the other says about “what happened.” In turn, express how you “contributed” to the situation, what you were thinking, and why you did what you did or did not do. Look at the problem as a third person, observing your contribution to the situation. (Id. at 25-82.)

The second conversation, the “feelings” conversation, is a bit more complicated. In listening to the other person speak, listen for her emotions and acknowledge those feelings. Again, active listening and empathy are essential. Discuss your feelings and theirs. Give a label to the feeling you feel and hear the other person express. If you hear “frustration” in someone’s voice, acknowledge it: “You are frustrated! Tell me more about it….”. The conversation moves towards a resolution only after we recognize our feelings and those of the other. (Id. at 86-108.)

The third conversation, the “identity” conversation, is the one we have with ourselves: It is our inner person asking us whether we are competent, a good person, or worthy of love. (Id. at 111-113.) The authors suggest that we recognize and accept the obvious: we are not perfect, we will make mistakes, and we all need to learn to “live with it.” (Id. at 119-122.)

Another conversation we should have with ourselves is to ask whether the issue is worth bringing up or if we should let it go. (Id. at 132-146.). What is the purpose of raising the issue, and what do you hope to accomplish? It may just be better to let it slide. (Id. at 131-146.)

Once these conversations have occurred, you can begin problem-solving or brainstorming options to resolve the matter and how to move forward so that the situation does not happen again. In doing this, the authors again suggest active listening, reframing, paraphrasing, acknowledging, being curious and not judgmental. (Id. at 147-234.)

Going back to the “situation,” since Jane was aware of the importance of the memorial service to me, she should have either let it slide or spoken directly with me afterward. Jane is avoiding the difficult conversation by complaining to my husband and then getting another  person involved. (Id. at 71.) If anything, the situation is now worse because two additional people have been burdened with the “problem” but are in no position to resolve it. If anytning, there may now be three  necessary “dificult “conversations”; between Jane and me, between Jane and my husband and now between my husband and the other person. The situation has indeed mushroomed.

The moral is not to let a situation get out of hand. Have the “difficult” conversation to clear the air and move on as soon as possible.

…. Just something to think about.

 

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